Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002) – Antonio Banderas, Talisa Soto and Lucy Liu

Upon seeing the stars, and seeing genre, and seeing how this movie won awards for being so bad, I couldn’t help but think critics must have been over-reacting. Maybe they’re not real action fans, I thought. Then I saw it for myself, or at least as much as I could tolerate. Not that I didn’t like the actors, or the genre, but it’s like one big acid trip. It’s like nobody’s doing thir job. It’s like everyone’s on something, and not really trying to make a good movie. I feel like I’m wasting my time watching this stuff. It’s so bad, I had to stop early. Very early. Like barely more than 20 minutes in. I skipped ahead to see if anything seemed to be improving, and it didn’t; so as much as I’m a huge fan of Antonio Banderas and Talisa Soto, and don’t mind a bit of Lucy Liu either, I simply couldn’t force myself to watch this tripe, it’s a waste of my life – well, most movies are, but this one particularly stands out in that regard.

Not that everything about this movie is bad, because there are some good attributes here and there. But the vast majority of the script, the acting, the sound, the integrated cinematography, the general atmospherics & momentum, the screen combat, and pretty much anything else I can think of, is like something you might expect from a college kids’ assignment. Minus a faint whiff of proper stuff here & there, particularly in how it’s packaged; it’s basically a B movie, and I don’t watch B movies. Well, it’s not a B movie per say, but it’s just as bad as one. I rate it Barely Watchable. That’s not to say you can’t watch it at all – it’s just to say I can’t watch it unless I’m utterly bored to the maximum. For once, I agree with the mainstream movie critics. It’s as if this movie was made as an April Fools prank. Roll up, roll up, there’s a respectable action movie here. Gotchya! Maybe some of the actors were pranked into being involved too. It really is that bad. Even the title is a mess – it sounds like it’s a sequel to something but it isn’t – it was just released to co-incide with the release of a computer game by the same name, which itself was a sequel to an earlier version of that game called (Ecks vs Sever). The game itself was a big hit for Game Boy Advance consoles, even if the movie itself is unanimously deemed one of the worst movies ever made in its genre at that budget level.

How on earth could it have a $70 million budget and end up like this? I guess it was generously sponsored to promote the game, then made in a hurry with cost cutting and money laundering.

Other action movies made in 2002 include Equilibrium and The Transporter – both awesome movies, on budgets of only $20 million and $21 million respectively. 2002 also saw the release of The Count of Monte Cristo which wasn’t so heavy on the action and didn’t have such big names but was a seiously captivating movie nevertheless, on a budget of $35 million. When you up the budget further, you get movies like The Scorpion King on $60 million starring The Rock, and The Bourne Identity on $60 million starring Matt Damon which spawned a massive 5-movie franchise.

There were also some super massive action movies in 2002, including Spider-Man and Star Wars: Episide II both boasting budgets in excess of $100 million. But $70 million is still a very serious budget so it’s quite shocking just how badly this movie turned out to be in practically every department.

Honestly, before looking it up, I was thinking maybe some spoilt rich kid was treated to the opportunity to direct a movie with such stars as Banderas, Liu and Soto involved. After looking it up, it turns out the reality isn’t terribly far from this theory. It was produced & directed by Wych Kaosayananda (under the alias Kaos) – he’s the son of a politican, who hadn’t directed any English movies before (only one Thai movie called Fah, 1998), and after this he took a 10 year break from the movie business altogether (to learn his craft perhaps?) but to his credit, he came back with some moderately respectable movies such as Tekken 2 (another computer game adaptation) which was a slight flop but was still more than watchable – I quite enjoyed it, as a former Tekken game enthusiast, even though it veered massively off-genre compared to the original Tekken movie and what would be expected of any film adaptation.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023) – Harrison Ford

This movie gets off to a good start, with intriguing action at a good pace – unfortunately this is let down by the fact it’s mainly in German so you’ll need good subtitles to follow what’s being said.

Harrison Food looks fantastically young in the first 20 minutes, considering he’s about 80 years old here – he could easily pass for 50. He looks younger than his last outing, which was about 15 years prior. So I guess he’s wearing heavy makeup and/or there’s some kind of AI based reverse-ageing filter going on here. After 20 minutes, the scene changes to a later timeframe, and Harrison Ford looks more like his real age now.

The movie then creeps into increasing levels of tedium, until the 80 year old man starts running from a team of armed mercenaries and somehow successfully throws obstacles in their way and evades them for some time. This of course is cringeworthily unconvincing compared to when he was doing it as a much younger man. It’s getting hard to watch now.

New cast members in this movie include Shaunette Renée Wilson who in this movie looks & moves like she could be a daughter of Samuel L Jackson but apparently is not. Maybe her makeup has something to do with it.

An hour into the movie, when 80-year-old Indiana has finished fist-fighting and running around with in-prime mercenaries, we meet a Moroccan gangster so feared that the local police lower their guns and drive off. Then he opens his mouth, and we hear an Eton-schooled politician-style snotty London accent. His accent then gradually sinks into something more foreign & husky, as if we didn’t hear his opening few lines already. Sack the director please. That’s no minor faux pas. And while you’re at it, sack the writer too. Harrison Ford is way too old for this script, he should be far more reserved, and giving some new young gun the opportunity to do the bulk of the running around and fighting. Honestly this movie is like a circus in giving Ford this kind of physical work, and it’s really not necessary – he could be acting a more senior character and doing the physical stuff more sparingly and more realistically without compromising on quality so far as traditional Indiana Jones fans are concerned. After this would-be-scary little chat, Indy then runs away on foot, hobbling along as if he’s got broken ankles or is walking in quicksand, while somehow still out-running cars & motorbikes and dodging bullets too…

Half way through, we’re introduced to a character played by Antonio Banderas in his early 60s. This movie is desperately in need of some young blood.

Ford has a very croaky voice in this movie, as if he’s not got long left to live.

The lead female (with quite an Adam’s Apple) is played rather deviously by Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Her character is fun yet nonchalant, and a bit mischievous, as if she’s just playing a cheeky game while being shot at and everything else. With her big nose, big chin, mischievous unsympathetic gaze and androgynous bony figure, she could make a convincing witch, but a benevolent character is a hard sell for her.

Interesting plot twist towards the end. Fascinating concept and potential for some awesome action, but unfortunately we get pretty much no action from it, only a load of mostly-static drama. As for the very very end, I found myself fast forwarding the last minute of the movie – how bad does a movie have to get for that to happen? It was just a very clearly dead drama scene going nowhere except a bit of friction and cringeworthy affection between two very elderly people.

This has got to be the worst movie in the saga, without question. So much that I’m going to rate it Barely Watchable but not quite on the level of OK like all the others were.